WEDNESDAY night at 9 p.m. on Channel 4, Katie Price started talking.
An hour later, it finally stopped.
Meanwhile ? There was an incessant buzz of psychobabble, egomania, innuendo and self-pity, punctuated by the odd DIY advice. But what did it all mean? I have no idea, because I think you would need a team of behavioral scientists, doctors, and zoologists to get into this girl’s noggin.
I think, however, we can firmly blame Katie Price’s Mucky Mansion on Clarkson’s Farm, an Amazon series that was so brilliant and funny, rival chains are now ready to give just about any celebrity with a few acres of country of spare and a career hiatus their own fly-on-the-wall series.
BBC1 has Kelvin’s Big Farming Adventure, Charlotte Church is doing something with her Welsh spa on a fringe network and Channel 4 has a ten-bedroom wreck in Sussex that’s almost as flattered by the ‘mucky’ description as Katie is by the words ‘author. , designer and political activist”.
The place is like a** everything. Thieves ransacked the whole goof, Harvey smashed the windows, two dogs and a horse died at the scene, two boyfriends probably fled before the soft rot set in and as Mucky Madam herself put it admitted: “If I walk through this front door it would give me ann-ziety.
Yeah, damn Ann Ziety, the slag.
The place has become a physical expression of all of Katie’s inner turmoil and insecurities, which are vast, because the basic equation at play here is that the more restoration work she gets done, the less she gets done at home. House.
Insofar as Katie now looks like a surprise version of Anneka Rice and it’s often hard to tell if the narrator, James Thornton, and Katie are actually referring to the house or her. “It’s empty, resonant, cold and it needs to be brought back to life. ” (The House.)
“Katie’s plastic boards need to be removed. ” (The House.)
“I need a lot of wood down there. (Certainly Katie.)
The plan now, of course, is to restore one of the old horrors (the house) to its former glory with the help of the usual handymen and random dogs that tend to show up on these shows.
Half the joy, in fact, of Clarkson’s Farm was the brilliance of characters like Kaleb and Gerald, who were given free rein to tear Jeremy a new one, even if you couldn’t always understand a word some of them were saying and they had to be subtitled in German.
Katie, on the other hand, has a long-suffering builder called Steve, who, aside from the moment she dropped a chimney pot on his roof, seems utterly oblivious to the din of cack happening next to him.
Katie hasn’t budged, of course, because she’s too withdrawn and processes a creative urge in the belief that as well as being an “author, designer and political activist”, she also has a touch of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowens about it.
All I can say about it is, as the interior designers say, Katie Price is an excellent serial killer.
The first week, she brought a knife to stuffed animals, which were then brought up to her son Jett’s bedroom. The second week, I guess, she’ll do the same to a few ex-husbands and get them stuffed and up in her own room.
I may not see that happening, because like Steve, I had walked away because the makeover process wasn’t half as interesting as the questions this show raised.
For example, even taking into account her £45,000 appearance fee, how can someone with as much debt as Katie afford all this rebuilding?
And what the hell is she even doing on Channel 4, a public broadcaster whose stated aim is to “represent unheard voices”?
Naively I had thought that the fact that Katie’s My Crazy Life went from Sky Living to Quest Red, before fading away completely, meant that Britain’s most heard voice was about to experience complete darkness and much needed.
Channel 4, however, seems to be in the throes of a horrific midlife crisis, surviving 80s titillation (Breastfeed My Boyfriend, etc.) while regurgitating ideas and scraps from others like Katie Price.
Foolishly, some of its senior employees may also be delighted that the exit from Mucky Mansion coincided with the arrest of Katie, on suspicion of breaching a restraining order, in the belief that it will make them pissed, rather than desperate, applauded and in dire need. of privatization.
Hell, they’re so screwed up they might even consider another series.
“Will Mucky Mansion be Katie Price’s forever home?” the show wondered aloud on Wednesday.
Right now? I’d like to think there’s a better chance it’s Monster Mansion.
Trigger plot a little missed
A TACTICAL mistake by ITV on Saturday’s edition of The John Bishop Show, where they displayed a ‘Countdown to Trigger Point’ clock at the top of the screen, rather than a ‘Countdown to the end of The John Bishop Show”.
Which is a bit harsh, maybe.
John is no worse at hosting a talk show than, say, the next contest winner and probably a bit better than Davina McCall. But that helped create an unreasonable air of expectation around Trigger Point, which appears to be a perfectly serviceable crime procedural drama overseen by executive producer Jed Mercurio of Line Of Duty fame, who snatched some decent performances from Vicky. McClure and Adrian Lester as two police bomb experts, Lana Washington and Joel Nutkins.
What Trigger Point lacks at the moment is real tension, fully formed characters, alternate locations, background stories, or indeed any story beyond the absolute basics.
An organized terror cell in East London planted three bombs and locked a moaning mobster called Phelan in the trunk of his car. According to the witnesses, they also spoke “English and Arabic,” prompting a question from Washington and likely an overheard shrug from anyone who’s watched Screw or EastEnders recently.
“Do you think it’s Islamist?
What? On TV ? I would round up the local white supremacists first, if I were you. It will probably save you some time.
Unexpected goons in the bagging area
THE WEAK LINK, Romesh Ranganathan: “Which B is a common name for Yeoman Wardens guarding the Tower of London?
Chunkz: “Border control”.
Romesh: “According to a common proverb, a bird in the hand is worth two in the what? »
Jamie Laing: “Pocket”.
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Famous used by Sir Francis Drake, The Golden Hind was what mode of transport? »
Tipping Point, Ben Shephard: “Madchester’s music scene was most closely associated with which town in the North West of England? »
Bernie : « Newcastle ».
Incidentally, during those very brief moments when Football Focus no longer lectures fans on sexism and racism, three letters have come to the fore and that is . . . oh, what’s the expression?
Ashley Williams: “It’s good for your club’s DNA to go from the top down. »
Rachel Brown-Finnis: “Southampton has that DNA across all age groups. »
Rachel Brown-Finnis: “There is no DNA at Everton. »
Ashley Williams: “You talk about Everton having DNA, Leeds have definite DNA. »
Stupidity is in the DNA of Football Focus.
Boldly putting herself and her new wellness spa on the same pedestal as the NHS, adorably self-effacing multi-millionaire Charlotte Church told This Morning on Monday: ‘I am a socialist. It’s about taking a house off private property and making it something that’s healing and for people, do you know what I mean? »
Great! Is it free then? Drop me off for a month of singing and aromatherapy in September, Charl.
Great sports ideas
PAUL MERSON: “If we all named a player who plays every weekend, we’d all say Rudiger and the goaltender. Then we would say Mount.
Michael Dawson: “Declan Rice is the finished article and he can only get better. »
Clinton Morrison: “I don’t know why Benitez went to Everton. I know why he left. Money. »
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Random television irritations
ALL the dancing atrocities performed in the name of Robert Burns in Steph’s Packed Lunch.
The macabre and bizarre fascination that ITV and the BBC have for mass murderer Dennis Nilsen. A Question Of Sport destroying its own USP with bookings like Will Mellor.
Good Morning Britain presenters confuse their political jubilation with compassion. And Saturday’s Football Focus devoting over 12 minutes to a discussion of fan sexism while apparently not having a spare second to mention the midweek Arsenal/Liverpool EFL Cup semi-final.
Exactly the kind of monstrous self-indulgence that will continue to be funded by the same people the BBC so clearly abhors until someone has the balls to scrap the license fee.
CLARIFICATION: Celebs Go Dating, Towie’s Chloe Brockett: ‘I don’t know why I’m still single, I’m racial, honey. »
Chloe, Chloe. You are Pedigree CHUM.
WINTER Olympics, funny foreign name alert: Kong Fanying. A Chinese skier and also the original working title of Skull Island.
RED ELVIS: The Cold War Cowboy (Sky Documentary). BBC2’s Beautiful Survivors: Portraits of the Holocaust.
The Admirable Jay Blades: Learning to Read at 51. And the best show of 2022 so far, BBC1 crime drama The Responder, where an outstanding cast is brilliantly led by Martin Freeman as emergency response officer Chris Carson, who as well as being in therapy and debt to the local mobster, has to deal with the search for corpses who died while watching Escape To The Country. Which is NOT the path I would like to follow. A Place In The Sun, with Laura Hamilton, maybe. But please, my God, don’t escape to the countryside.
lookalike of the week
This week’s winner is Prince Andrew and The Fat Controller. Sent by Ingrid North.
Photo research: JANET DAVENPORT